the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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