I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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