Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
