My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
