if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize