Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
