Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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