My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
