Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
