Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
