The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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