I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
