Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
