There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
