When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
