I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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