she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
