how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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