I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
