New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize