she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's like iHOP with fire
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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