I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
