i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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