ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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