Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
