If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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