if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
