If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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