My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
