I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
