There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
