He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
