Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
