I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
