The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Randomize
