Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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