she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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