Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
