i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
