This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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