The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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