I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
