theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
