Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
