awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
