Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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