it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Are we still banned from the library?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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