i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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