I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
