i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize