so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
