it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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