I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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