She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
