I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
