The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
