Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
